Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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