She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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