On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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