420 ftw
I will die if light touches me.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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