Barsexuality is the new black.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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