I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
