Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
