My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize