This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize