You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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