Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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