the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize