I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
is that a dick in a sweater?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
