My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize