: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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