So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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