Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
