She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
