I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
