I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
