Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
