i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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