Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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