I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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