a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
