I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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