I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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