I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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