Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
