A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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