honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
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