Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
