I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
