His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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