The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
