i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
