Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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