____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
