I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
