Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Randomize
