I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
