Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
