I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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