What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
