Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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