we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
