How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
