I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
