Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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