who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
