You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
