Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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