I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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