Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
