I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
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