i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
