i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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