census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
