you turned your livingroom into a bong?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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